You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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