she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
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I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Mom said you looked used
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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