Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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