We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
