Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
