Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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