Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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