Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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