there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
