he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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