just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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