Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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