You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
where are you?
Hypothermia
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
