once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
