I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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