Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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