someone threw a dead crab at me
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
