I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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