I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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