I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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