I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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