it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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