You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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