right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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