dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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