apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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