and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
