Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
