god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i love accidental penises.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
