You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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