dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
