i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
