So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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