Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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