I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
