I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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