my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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