My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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