yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
