Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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