It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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