dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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