The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
