Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
