He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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