I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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