she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No...this little piggys going to the bar
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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