Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
