Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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