I swear she didn't look like that last week.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
