i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
