My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
