Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
