Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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