arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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