she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
