btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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