What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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